Updated: Dec 8, 2020
I am 25 years old and my parents have been looking for someone for me to marry. Recently they have gotten a rishta that they really love and are pressuring me a lot to accept it. However, firstly I don't feel ready for marriage, and secondly, they are not giving me permission to have any conversation with the guy to determine if we would be compatible/ have similar goals in life etc. They said they will give me 5 minutes to talk to him only as anything more is unislamic and against our culture as well. I have no idea how to proceed without speaking to him and clearing my doubts. My parents and I don't see eye to eye about many things in regards to what I want in a partner so I'm not sure how I am ever supposed to proceed aside from praying istikhara.
Please advice me on how I can convince my parents to let me speak to the guy before they pressure me to marry him.
In the Name of Allaah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salaamu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullaahi wa-barakaatuh.
We ask Allah to ease our matters and bring about goodness in our lives. When it comes to marriage, one should keep in mind that it is a life-changing matter. As such, the contentment of both spouses as well as their parents is key. One may believe that they are not ready for marriage, but sooner or later this important role of life must be fulfilled, and 25 is a good age to do so. Instead of being afraid and backing away from marriage, one should see why they feel they are not ready. Is there an obstacle in their personal or social life which is stopping them from marriage? If so, the first step is to remove that obstacle. Being uncomfortable with marriage does not fall under this category, as that is normal when we do anything in life for the first time. If there are no apparent obstacles or valid reasons to delay marriage, then thoughts of not being ready should be overlooked. One should approach the situation with confidence and believe in themselves, provided they are living their lives in accordance with the Islamic teachings.
As far as the second matter is concerned, then this is no doubt troublesome. We understand how hard it would be to get married to someone you've only met for five minutes. At the same time, the conversations and interactions taking place before marriage should not be so prevalent and long that a whole relationship before marriage is formed. One should know exactly what they have to ask from their potential spouse and should try not to prolong the process. Nevertheless, five minutes does seem to be too short of a time to ask what is needed for marriage purposes.
In this scenario, the best approach would be to somehow convince your parents to give more time. One should speak with respect, and explain that this is a life-changing choice. It's only right that you are able to discuss important matters with someone you may spend the rest of your life with. Furthermore, one is allowed to discuss these matters and it doesn't have to be restricted to five minutes. The parents should understand that Islam has allowed this and that this is very critical. If a couple does not meet each other before marriage, then this can lead to a lot of problems in the future. As such, the parents should differentiate between culture and religion and allow you to ask what you have to with an appropriate time limit. Nevertheless, you understand your parents best and you should know what approach is most appropriate.
The next option would be to resort to a median. It would be useful if you could find an older woman in your family, or the other family who can mediate a meeting between you two and supervise it. This can be done over a group call or group chat as well. Again, keep in mind that it is not recommended to prolong the discussion. Rather this process should be approached with clear objectives. One should know exactly what they want out of this meeting, and should not let it extend to more than that.
Finally, the last option would be to contact him yourself. You can ask him what you want regarding marriage and leave the discussion there. Keep in mind that this is the last resort, and even here you should have a sibling or friend with you. Also, remember that the purpose is not to prolong the discussion or have more talks. In this scenario, your parents and the other family seem to be comfortable with the situation. Therefore, when you do discuss the matter, you should look for a way to make things work. Through this, you will be able to get married at a good age, and you will have your parent's prayers with you. This will aid you greatly. Also continue doing Istikhara, as this will open your heart up as to what is right.
We pray that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala creates ease for you in this matter, and makes whatever is better happen. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Student - Jamiah Islamiyah Abu Bakr
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Kasim Ingar
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